JB uses the Overwatch Matchmaking System to recruit a team

You are JB, a knight living in the kingdom of Larion. You have a steel longsword and a wooden shield. You are on a quest to defeat the evil dragon of Larion. You've heard he lives up at the north of the kingdom. You set on the path to defeat him and walk into a dark forest. As you enter the forest you see a large black dragon sitting on his throne looking down upon you. He is covered with scales, but they aren't from any dragons you know of. They are more like those of some monstrous beast that has roamed this world for eons.

> Assemble a team of heroes using the horrible Overwatch matchmaking system

You select a hero and then wait for your team to be chosen. The game starts off normally, but as soon as you get into the first battle, it becomes apparent that something isn't right. Your team doesn't seem very skilled or experienced.

> "Wow what a surprise." JB says with mock surprise.

"What?" you ask yourself confused.
"I said wow what a surprise." JB says with mock surprise.
You look around and realize that all of your teammates are gone. You don't even recognize them anymore, they're just names now.

> "These highly unskilled players will do just find against this dragon, using Overwatch's shitty matchmaking rules.. wait a minute, everyone dropped."

"This highly unskilled players will do just find against this dragon, using Overwatch's shitty matchmaking rules."
You start to panic and begin searching for your teammates. You search everywhere, but you can't find them anywhere. Suddenly you hear a voice calling out to you. It sounds familiar...

"Hey I'm here, come on let me join you guys!"
You turn around and see a young girl wearing armor holding an assault rifle. She looks like she could easily take out most of the enemies in one shot.

> "Wow what a surprise, i can't find my teammates. And now a useless widow. great."

"What?" you ask again confused.
"Yeah, i'm sorry about this, but these highly unskilled players will do just find against this dragon, using Overwatch's shitty matchmaking rules."
She nods her head and runs over to you. Her face shows worry when she sees you.

"Oh no! Are you okay? Did they kill your friends?"
"No, but we need to leave now. We should go back home."
"But where are our allies?" she asks.
"They're probably dead too.

> "Let's run in to battle one at a time, instead of together so we die more quickly."

"Okay, but how are we going to fight if we don't have any allies?"
"Well, there's always the mercenaries who live in the area."
"How many?"
"A few dozen."
"So what do we do then? How are we supposed to survive?"

> "Who cares, lets go in blind and just attack things. It's okay."

"It's not okay! These highly unskilled players will do just find against this dragon, using Overwatch's shitty matchmaking rules."

The girl nods her head and runs away. You stand there and watch her disappear into the darkness.

> "Annnnd another Widow drops. Typical."

You die from the horrible Overwatch matchmaking rules.

JB Sprouts Talking Wings

You are JB, a knight living in the kingdom of Larion. You have a steel longsword and a wooden shield. You are on a quest to defeat the evil dragon of Larion. You've heard he lives up at the north of the kingdom. You set on the path to defeat him and walk into a dark forest. As you enter the forest you see a large black dragon flying over the trees. It's wingspan is several times that of your own. The dragon looks down upon you as it flies overhead.

> JB looks at his arms and realizes that he has a wingspan, and therefor wings, so must be part dragon himself

JB: "I'm not a dragon! I don't fly!"
Wings: "Oh no, you're just very good at hiding."
JB: "Well what am I supposed to do? Hide?

> JB, amazed by his new talking wings, attempts to take flight and chase the black dragon

JB: "I can't fly! I'm not a dragon!"
Wings: "No, you're not. A dragon doesn't need wings for flight. They're for their speed and strength."
JB: "What does this mean?

> "Wings, listen to me. You must be attached to me for a reason. Now let's fly." 

Wings: "Yes, yes, yes."
JB: "Let's go!"
Wings: "Okay then."

The two of you fly through the air towards the dragon. He seems to be watching you with interest.

> Land on the dragon's back

You land on the dragon's back. The dragon lets out a roar and begins to rise up into the sky.

JB: "That was fun!"

Wings: "Yeah, we should do it again sometime."

> Pull out the steel longsword and try and stab the dragon

You pull out the sword and swing it around your head. You fail to hit the dragon.

JB: "It's too big! I can't even cut it!"
Wings: "Jeez, maybe if you were smaller or faster?"

> Bash the dragon in the back of the neck with the wooden shield

You bash the dragon in the back of its neck with the wooden shield. The dragon lets out a scream and falls off of you.

JB: "Aw shit! That hurt!"
Wings: "Ha ha, yeah, it did."

> "Fuck, shut up Wings! I'm trying to do work here." JB says and he flies around and slashes at the dragon.

You slash at the dragon, but you aren't fast enough. The dragon catches you and throws you off of him. You fall from the sky and onto some rocks below.

> "Wings, save me!"

You turn around and attempt to get up, but you find yourself unable to move. The dragon grabs you and lifts you into the air.

JB: "I'm sorry..."
Wings: "Don't worry about it, I'll make sure he gets eaten soon."

You feel like you're going to pass out, but you manage to stay conscious. The dragon takes advantage of your situation and bites down on your neck. It hurts like hell, but fortunately it isn't fatal.

> "AHHHH!" JB screams in agony. In a last ditch effort to save his own life, JB calls upon the old gods and the new, and rams the sword in to the Dragon's mouth."

You ram the sword into the dragon's mouth, which is now gushing blood everywhere. The dragon lets out a horrible screech as it collapses backwards onto its belly.

JB: "He...he died..."
Wings: "Oh good, that means we won."

> "Wings, you are 100% the worst companion ever."

Wings: "Shut up, I don't want to hear it."
You walk over to the dragon corpse and pick up the sword. You throw it away in disgust.

> "I suppose that's the end of this adventure. Anything else to say Wings?"

Wings: "Nah, I think we've had our fun for today."
You: "Well, that's fine by me. Thanks for saving my life."
Wings: "No problem man. Now let's go home."

JB Is Blessed by the Spirit of Ric Flair

You are JB, a knight living in the kingdom of Larion. You have a steel longsword and a wooden shield. You are on a quest to defeat the evil dragon of Larion. You've heard he lives up at the north of the kingdom. You set on the path to defeat him and walk into a dark forest. As you enter the forest you see a large black dragon flying above you. He is watching you with his one good eye.

"What do I do?" you ask yourself as the dragon stares down at you. "I need to attack now."

The dragon lets out a roar that shakes the ground beneath your feet.

> JB is possessed by the spirit of Ric Flair from WcW

Ric Flair's spirit appears before you. His face looks like it has been burned off. He stands there looking down at you.

"JB, what are you doing here? What happened to your mind?" he asks in an angry tone.

> "Ric Flair, I need your power to fight this dragon, please, you are my only hope. Wooooo!"

Flair laughs and raises his hand up. A lightning bolt hits you, but luckily you don't feel any pain. The dragon roars again and flies towards Flair who stands his ground with a mighty roar.

> "Wooooo!" Screams JB as he rushes the dragon with his steel long sword.

You charge the dragon with your steel long sword. The dragon roars once more and charges you. You swing your blade and slice through the air, but unfortunately it doesn't kill the dragon. It just knocks you back several meters.

"No! Nooo!"

> Jb Holds his sword up to the sky, "Ric Flair, enchant my sword so I may slay this dragon!"

You hold up your sword and scream out loud.

"Ric Flair, enchant my sword so I may slay this dragon!" you shout.

Suddenly the wind blows and a small blue crystal appears in front of you. You take it and throw it at the dragon.

It strikes the dragon in its side causing it to let out a cry of pain. The dragon turns around and attempts to fly away, but you catch it by the neck and slam it against the ground.

"NO! NO! NO!"

> "WOOOOOOOOOO!" JB Screams as he pummels the dragon with all the might of 10 Ric Flairs.

You continue to pound the dragon until it falls over. You then proceed to kick the dragon repeatedly in the head until it dies. After killing the dragon, you look up at the sky and sigh in relief.

> "Thank you Ric Flair, you are truly a god amungst men."

You thank Ric Flair for saving your life.

"Don't mention it, I'm not going anywhere."

Afterwards you go back home where you tell everyone about how great Ric Flair was. They think it sounds pretty cool too.

JB vs. The Indestructible Dragon Penis

You are JB, a knight living in the kingdom of Larion. You have a steel longsword and a wooden shield. You are on a quest to defeat the evil dragon of Larion. You've heard he lives up at the north of the kingdom. You set on the path to defeat him and walk into a dark forest. As you enter the forest you see a large black dragon sitting on his throne with an army of orcs. He looks down upon you as if he's looking at a child.

"I am the Dragon," he says. "And I will not be defeated."

> !JB rolls a 20 sided die and rolls a natural 20. JB then throws his sword at the Dragon's armored penis, sinking it's blade up to the hilt in Dragon wang

The sword sinks deep into the dragon's cock, but the dragon doesn't even flinch. The sword is now stuck in his dick and you can hear a squishing sound.

"Ha ha! That was funny!" JB laughs. "Now I'm going to kill you."

> Orcs pour out from the forest towards JB and he realizes he has no sword, and looks around for a weapon to defend himself

You stand there, surrounded by orcs who want nothing more than to kill you. Suddenly, one of them comes up to you and grabs your arm. It's a young orc named Orik.

"Hey buddy, whatcha doin' here?" Orik asks.

> "I happened upon an army in the forest with their Dragon, and now my sword is stuck in his cock, I've found myself in quite the situation. Can you help me young Orik?"

Orik nods and runs off back to his tribe.

"What the fuck did you just ask me?!" you exclaim. "That's fucking illegal!"

Suddenly, another orc appears behind you. This one is a big burly Orc named Rolomag.

> !Bash Rolomag with the wooden shield, steal Rolomag's magical weapon

Rolomag turns around and swings his huge club at you. You grab the shield that hangs over your shoulder and bash Rolomag's head in with it. His skull splatters all over your face, causing you to cry out in pain.

> !JB Takes Rolomag's magical weapon

JB picks up Rolomag's magical weapon and holds it in front of him.

"This is the only way we're ever gonna get rid of this dragon," he says. "We need to use this magic weapon against the dragon."

> !JB realizes the weapon talks and has magical properties

JB takes the magical weapon and puts it in his pocket. He then tosses the shield aside and charges forward at the dragon.

He swings his sword like a baseball bat, hitting the dragon square in its groin.

> "I'll have my sword back, Dragon Penis!"

You run forward and swing your sword at the dragon's crotch. You hit it hard, but the dragon doesn't even flinch.

"Shit!" you scream. "It's not working!"

JB runs forward and grabs his sword, which is now broken.

> JB is bewildered how the Dragon's cock could repel even the mightiest of blows. JB Inspects his magical sword and dedeuces it's magical properties

JB inspects his broken sword and finds that it's magical properties have been activated.

"Fuck!" he shouts. "I don't know what the hell I just did, but I think I fucked up big time."

> !JB's magical sword starts shooting uncontrollable lightning in all directions

JB's magical sword begins firing electricity in all directions. You are struck several times by lightning bolts, but fortunately survive them all.

> !JB's sword glows with magical energy. JB then tries to focus that lightning energy on the indesctructable dragon penis

JB uses his magical sword to try and concentrate the lightning into the dragon's dick. Unfortunately, he can't seem to control it very well. The dragon rams itself straight through the ground, destroying a few houses along the way.

> The Orcs look mad at JB for scaring away it's Dragon

The orcs are still mad about the incident with the dragon penises, so they begin attacking you again.

JB manages to dodge most of their attacks, but one hits him right in the eye. It causes him to fall down and break his arm.

> "Fuck!" JB screams. JB Concentrates all his energy in to the sword and raises it in to the air and activates it's unknown magic

JB concentrates all his energy into the sword and raises it in to the air. This causes an explosion of light that blinds everyone.

"What was that?" asks the wizard.
"That was my magical sword," replies JB.

> !JB, realizing there is now a wizard in the area, asks the wizard to heal his eye and broken arm.

JB asks the wizard if he knows where a healer is located.
"A healer? No, no, no! I'm sorry sir, but I've never heard of such a thing!"
"Well then, why don't you go find one yourself?"
"But...but..."

> !JB blasts the wizard with magical sword energy, blowing his cock right off his balls. 

JB blasts the wizard with magical sword energy, blowing his cock right off his balls.

"Oh fuck!" exclaims the Wizard. "Now I have nothing left except a useless piece of meat."

> "Serves you right old man." Just then, the Wizard begins to transform, and it turns out, it was the dragon is disguise

The Wizard transforms into a huge green dragon. He flies towards you and lands on top of you.

"Oh great, another pathetic human trying to take me on!" he says. "So this is what happens when humans fail to understand the power of dragons."

> !JB pierces the dragon in the penis with his magical sword

JB pierces the dragon in the penis with his magical sword. The dragon explodes in a shower of blood and semen.

"Ah shit!" exclaims the Wizard. "It looks like we're going to need more wizards around here."

> !Confused, JB puts the sword in his mouth, falls forward on it, and kills himself.

You put your sword in your mouth and fall forward onto it. You kill yourself.