JB of the future uses incorrect gender and pronouns, and pays the ultimate price.

You are Joe Biden the 5th, a cyborg living in the the futuristic city of Zail. You have a bionic arm and a holoband. You're walking down the dark city streets while neon lights flash brightly above you. As you pass an alley you see a strange man covered in blood with sunglasses covering his eyes.

You walk on.

"Ah, the good Captain Conner. I presume?" a voice says behind you.

"You presume right,"

> You turning around, "My name is not Captain Conner. I'm detective Joe Biden the 5th with the 2077 Trump Virus Taskforce. Who are you?"

"I'm Captain Rios, of the 23rd Infantry Regiment. I've been fighting off hordes of mutants, pirates and the occasional anti-military terrorist group."

"Any relation to the old man?

> You "Not sure which old man you are talking about." Joe studies Captain Rios for signs of deception.

"He's a very convincing liar," he says to you.

"Alright, Mr...."

"Rios, Captain Rios."

"Alright, Captain Rios. What can I do for you?"

"We need reinforcements, Captain."

"We?

> You "My name is Joe Biden. Not Captain Conner. Call me Captain Conner again and I'm going to have to arrest you for Article 4798 of the Harris relation segregation code that prohibits citizens from dead naming other citizens. Also, you must address me by my correct pronoun, Quantum Flux-Enabled Hydroproxy Serf, Protomale."

You don't need to add the last bit, Rios knows what you're talking about.

"Sorry, Captain.

> You "Tell me everything you know about the Osaka Mark III, Yamaha class androids over there captain."

Rios explains that androids are a rarity. They're just used by the military for reconnaissance and the most part.

> You "Have we taken out their Goo-Twit particle silicon for a full memory dump?"

"Not yet, but with your help I'm certain we will. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to find my men.

> You biden takes out his Glock Safety Gun, Leviathan class Plasma array pistol, shooting Captain Rios in the back of his head as he walks away.

"How the hell did you get a gun?"

> You rios turns around, a hole in his Yahoo Brand positronic solid state brain, falling to the ground.

"I have my ways."

"You didn't need to kill him, I could have done that", The voices say.

> You noticing inner turmoil as Joe Biden is hearing voices, he realizes the voices did not use correct pronouns, and exacts Article 4798 of the Harris Relation Segregation Code, and takes his own life.

"I wish to have seen the world with you, now Joe. Goodbye."

> You pulls trigger.

"Thank you, now I can finally sleep." Joe Biden The 5th's positronic brain shuts down. 

JB Hordes goes crazy, hordes toilet paper

You are JB, a survivor trying to survive in a post apocalyptic world by scavenging among the ruins of what is left. You have a hatchet and a hunting rifle. You live in a small community of survivors who have managed to build a piece of civilization after the bombs fell. You are talking to one of the leaders of the community when you realize that he has been lying to you for years about everything.

"What do you mean I can't leave?" You ask. "I am not a prisoner here."

The leader looks at his watch, then turns to look directly into your eyes.

> "Dude, get the fuck away from me, i know you have the Corona Virus."

He doesn't even try to deny it. He just walks out the door without another word and leaves you behind.

You spend the next few days wandering aimlessly looking for food and water, but nothing comes to you.

> Look for toilet paper to horde

You decide to look for some toilet paper so you can hoard it all. It will be good practice for when you actually need it.

A couple of hours later, you find a bunch of them laying on the ground near where you were standing before.

> awesome. lets hide this toilet paper and find more toilet paper at costco so other people cant have it

You go back to the store and buy as much toilet paper as you can carry. You hide it under some old newspapers in the bathroom, hoping nobody else will come in there.

After a while, you hear someone coming up the stairs.

> "Hey dude, fuck you, this is my toilet paper, you cant have it. Take your corona virus somewhere else"

You walk over to the newspaper and grab the toilet paper. You put it in your pocket and start walking down the stairs.

Suddenly, you feel a sharp pain run through your arm, followed by a burning sensation.

> what the fuck? is this the feeling of the corona virus?

You look down and see a red rash covering your entire arm. You scream in agony as you drop the newspaper. The person who was watching you screams too, but they don't help you. They just run off leaving you alone with your horrible new condition.

> "Now i have the Corona Virus. I guess this is it."

You look around and see no-one, so you call out to them.

"Hello? Anyone there?" You shout.
"Oh yes! Yes! Oh yes!" A voice answers back. "We are the ones who should be helping you!

> You cant have my fucking toilet paper

You yell back,

You scream and cry for help. Someone needs to help you. You can't take this anymore.

> kill the stranger and steal his toilet paper and hand sanitizer

You grab the stranger's bag and open it up. Inside you find a bottle of hand sanitizer and toilet paper. You quickly wrap your arms around yourself and begin crying uncontrollably.

The stranger looks at you with concern, but says nothing.

> die of corona virus

You finally give into your despair and let the corona virus consume you.

JB Prioritizes White Claw Over Life Itself

You are JB, a detective living in Chicago. You have a pistol and a police badge. You enter the forest where you believe the criminal you're searching for fled to. Suddenly , you hear a gunshot behind you.

> Look in the director of the gunshot, while sipping a cold hard seltzer from the local liquor store

You turn around and see a man with a shaved head wearing a black suit and tie holding an assault rifle. He looks like he's been drinking heavily.

> Hey buddy, put down that gun. You drinking white claw too?

The man doesn't even acknowledge your presence. He just points his weapon at you and fires.

Your body goes flying through the air, hitting the ground hard enough to cause a small crater. The bullet went straight through your chest and into your heart.

> take one final sip of white claw before i die

You drink another glass of white claw and then collapse on the floor. Your last words are "I'm sorry."

A few hours later, you're dead.

- YOU DIED! GAME OVER! -

JB uses the Overwatch Matchmaking System to recruit a team

You are JB, a knight living in the kingdom of Larion. You have a steel longsword and a wooden shield. You are on a quest to defeat the evil dragon of Larion. You've heard he lives up at the north of the kingdom. You set on the path to defeat him and walk into a dark forest. As you enter the forest you see a large black dragon sitting on his throne looking down upon you. He is covered with scales, but they aren't from any dragons you know of. They are more like those of some monstrous beast that has roamed this world for eons.

> Assemble a team of heroes using the horrible Overwatch matchmaking system

You select a hero and then wait for your team to be chosen. The game starts off normally, but as soon as you get into the first battle, it becomes apparent that something isn't right. Your team doesn't seem very skilled or experienced.

> "Wow what a surprise." JB says with mock surprise.

"What?" you ask yourself confused.
"I said wow what a surprise." JB says with mock surprise.
You look around and realize that all of your teammates are gone. You don't even recognize them anymore, they're just names now.

> "These highly unskilled players will do just find against this dragon, using Overwatch's shitty matchmaking rules.. wait a minute, everyone dropped."

"This highly unskilled players will do just find against this dragon, using Overwatch's shitty matchmaking rules."
You start to panic and begin searching for your teammates. You search everywhere, but you can't find them anywhere. Suddenly you hear a voice calling out to you. It sounds familiar...

"Hey I'm here, come on let me join you guys!"
You turn around and see a young girl wearing armor holding an assault rifle. She looks like she could easily take out most of the enemies in one shot.

> "Wow what a surprise, i can't find my teammates. And now a useless widow. great."

"What?" you ask again confused.
"Yeah, i'm sorry about this, but these highly unskilled players will do just find against this dragon, using Overwatch's shitty matchmaking rules."
She nods her head and runs over to you. Her face shows worry when she sees you.

"Oh no! Are you okay? Did they kill your friends?"
"No, but we need to leave now. We should go back home."
"But where are our allies?" she asks.
"They're probably dead too.

> "Let's run in to battle one at a time, instead of together so we die more quickly."

"Okay, but how are we going to fight if we don't have any allies?"
"Well, there's always the mercenaries who live in the area."
"How many?"
"A few dozen."
"So what do we do then? How are we supposed to survive?"

> "Who cares, lets go in blind and just attack things. It's okay."

"It's not okay! These highly unskilled players will do just find against this dragon, using Overwatch's shitty matchmaking rules."

The girl nods her head and runs away. You stand there and watch her disappear into the darkness.

> "Annnnd another Widow drops. Typical."

You die from the horrible Overwatch matchmaking rules.

JB Sprouts Talking Wings

You are JB, a knight living in the kingdom of Larion. You have a steel longsword and a wooden shield. You are on a quest to defeat the evil dragon of Larion. You've heard he lives up at the north of the kingdom. You set on the path to defeat him and walk into a dark forest. As you enter the forest you see a large black dragon flying over the trees. It's wingspan is several times that of your own. The dragon looks down upon you as it flies overhead.

> JB looks at his arms and realizes that he has a wingspan, and therefor wings, so must be part dragon himself

JB: "I'm not a dragon! I don't fly!"
Wings: "Oh no, you're just very good at hiding."
JB: "Well what am I supposed to do? Hide?

> JB, amazed by his new talking wings, attempts to take flight and chase the black dragon

JB: "I can't fly! I'm not a dragon!"
Wings: "No, you're not. A dragon doesn't need wings for flight. They're for their speed and strength."
JB: "What does this mean?

> "Wings, listen to me. You must be attached to me for a reason. Now let's fly." 

Wings: "Yes, yes, yes."
JB: "Let's go!"
Wings: "Okay then."

The two of you fly through the air towards the dragon. He seems to be watching you with interest.

> Land on the dragon's back

You land on the dragon's back. The dragon lets out a roar and begins to rise up into the sky.

JB: "That was fun!"

Wings: "Yeah, we should do it again sometime."

> Pull out the steel longsword and try and stab the dragon

You pull out the sword and swing it around your head. You fail to hit the dragon.

JB: "It's too big! I can't even cut it!"
Wings: "Jeez, maybe if you were smaller or faster?"

> Bash the dragon in the back of the neck with the wooden shield

You bash the dragon in the back of its neck with the wooden shield. The dragon lets out a scream and falls off of you.

JB: "Aw shit! That hurt!"
Wings: "Ha ha, yeah, it did."

> "Fuck, shut up Wings! I'm trying to do work here." JB says and he flies around and slashes at the dragon.

You slash at the dragon, but you aren't fast enough. The dragon catches you and throws you off of him. You fall from the sky and onto some rocks below.

> "Wings, save me!"

You turn around and attempt to get up, but you find yourself unable to move. The dragon grabs you and lifts you into the air.

JB: "I'm sorry..."
Wings: "Don't worry about it, I'll make sure he gets eaten soon."

You feel like you're going to pass out, but you manage to stay conscious. The dragon takes advantage of your situation and bites down on your neck. It hurts like hell, but fortunately it isn't fatal.

> "AHHHH!" JB screams in agony. In a last ditch effort to save his own life, JB calls upon the old gods and the new, and rams the sword in to the Dragon's mouth."

You ram the sword into the dragon's mouth, which is now gushing blood everywhere. The dragon lets out a horrible screech as it collapses backwards onto its belly.

JB: "He...he died..."
Wings: "Oh good, that means we won."

> "Wings, you are 100% the worst companion ever."

Wings: "Shut up, I don't want to hear it."
You walk over to the dragon corpse and pick up the sword. You throw it away in disgust.

> "I suppose that's the end of this adventure. Anything else to say Wings?"

Wings: "Nah, I think we've had our fun for today."
You: "Well, that's fine by me. Thanks for saving my life."
Wings: "No problem man. Now let's go home."

JB's Pitchfork of Naked Woman Summoning +1

You are JB, a peasant living in the kingdom of Larion. You have a pitchfork and a nothing else. You wake up and begin working in the fields. You see a girl walking towards you. She is beautiful, but she has no clothes on. The only thing that makes her more attractive is the pitchfork in your hand.

> "Hello there girl. See this pitchfork? It makes you more attractive."

"Hiya!" She says back.

The girl runs off into the woods. You continue to work for an hour or so before you notice something strange... The girl was never here at all!

> Jb Stares at the pitchfork. "Could this be a magic pitchfork of naked woman summoning?"

"Maybe..." You think as you stare at the pitchfork.

You suddenly feel very cold. Suddenly, you hear a voice behind you. "Hey! What are you doing staring at my fucking pitchfork?!" A man with a long white beard speaks angrily.

> "See here wizard, you can not have this pitchfork of naked woman summoning. It's mine! All mine!"

"Oh really? Well I'm going to make sure you don't get it, because if you do, then I'll show you what happens when one gets possessed by a naked woman!"

The pitchfork disappears from your hands and falls down onto the ground.

Then, you feel a strange feeling. You start sweating profusely and you feel sick. Your body feels like its about to explode from the inside out.

> "Wizard.. what.. are you.. doing to me!"

"I'm just giving you a little taste of what will happen if you ever try to summon a naked woman!" He laughs.

Suddenly, he throws his arms around your neck and starts kissing you passionately. Then, he begins rubbing his cock against yours while continuing to kiss you deeply.

> "Great Thor's Beard!" JB says pushing the gay wizard away and reaching his pitchfork to defend himself.

"What the fuck are you doing?! Stop it right now!" JB shouts.
"Shut up nerd! Now stop being such a pussy and let's go back to our own village where we belong!"

JB walks away while Thor continues to attack him.

> "Listen Thor the Wizard, fix this spell on me and put your cock away, I've had enough!" JB brandishes the Pitchfork of Naked Woman Summoning at the wizard, accidentally summoning 3 naked women in the process.

Thor: "Ah, sorry about that. I didn't mean to hurt anyone."
JB: "No worries about that! Anyway, let's go back home!"

They both run back to their village where they live happily ever after.

JB Is Blessed by the Spirit of Ric Flair

You are JB, a knight living in the kingdom of Larion. You have a steel longsword and a wooden shield. You are on a quest to defeat the evil dragon of Larion. You've heard he lives up at the north of the kingdom. You set on the path to defeat him and walk into a dark forest. As you enter the forest you see a large black dragon flying above you. He is watching you with his one good eye.

"What do I do?" you ask yourself as the dragon stares down at you. "I need to attack now."

The dragon lets out a roar that shakes the ground beneath your feet.

> JB is possessed by the spirit of Ric Flair from WcW

Ric Flair's spirit appears before you. His face looks like it has been burned off. He stands there looking down at you.

"JB, what are you doing here? What happened to your mind?" he asks in an angry tone.

> "Ric Flair, I need your power to fight this dragon, please, you are my only hope. Wooooo!"

Flair laughs and raises his hand up. A lightning bolt hits you, but luckily you don't feel any pain. The dragon roars again and flies towards Flair who stands his ground with a mighty roar.

> "Wooooo!" Screams JB as he rushes the dragon with his steel long sword.

You charge the dragon with your steel long sword. The dragon roars once more and charges you. You swing your blade and slice through the air, but unfortunately it doesn't kill the dragon. It just knocks you back several meters.

"No! Nooo!"

> Jb Holds his sword up to the sky, "Ric Flair, enchant my sword so I may slay this dragon!"

You hold up your sword and scream out loud.

"Ric Flair, enchant my sword so I may slay this dragon!" you shout.

Suddenly the wind blows and a small blue crystal appears in front of you. You take it and throw it at the dragon.

It strikes the dragon in its side causing it to let out a cry of pain. The dragon turns around and attempts to fly away, but you catch it by the neck and slam it against the ground.

"NO! NO! NO!"

> "WOOOOOOOOOO!" JB Screams as he pummels the dragon with all the might of 10 Ric Flairs.

You continue to pound the dragon until it falls over. You then proceed to kick the dragon repeatedly in the head until it dies. After killing the dragon, you look up at the sky and sigh in relief.

> "Thank you Ric Flair, you are truly a god amungst men."

You thank Ric Flair for saving your life.

"Don't mention it, I'm not going anywhere."

Afterwards you go back home where you tell everyone about how great Ric Flair was. They think it sounds pretty cool too.

JB: The God of Wine-Fighting

You are JB, a rogue living in the kingdom of Larion. You have a long steel dagger and a length of rope. You walk down the city street looking for somehwere to steal from. You look around and see that it is quite safe, but you know there must be something better than what's available here.

What do you do?

> Travel to another town nearby that is not larion in search of trouble, riches, and whores

You decide to go somewhere else where you can get more trouble, more money, and more women. You head towards the neighboring village of Nolamun. There are no problems or any trouble at all there. The people seem happy and contented with their lives.

> "Perfect. Let's fuck this up." JB mutters to himself while rubbing his hands together.

You say "Perfect. Let's fuck this up." as if to imply that your plan was flawed. JB says "Yeah, I think we should fuck this shit up" and then he turns around and walks away without saying anything else.

> Look around for an Inn so I can get fucked up on ale and get some fine Nolamun Sweet Sweet hussssss

You turn around and look back at the tavern. It seems like they don't serve ale here, so you need to find one that does. You start walking towards the nearest building that looks like it might sell something.

> Finally, some ale. Let us drink and whore!

You finally manage to get some ale and a bottle of wine. You take them both and sit down in front of the tavern. A few minutes later, you hear a loud noise coming from outside.

> Check on the noise outside, bring the wine too

You quickly check on the noise outside. You see a large group of orcs running out of the tavern and into the streets. They seem to be heading straight towards you.

You immediately grab your sword and run after them, grabbing the bottle of wine as well along the way.

> drink some wine, and cut some orc faces, drink more wine, kiss a random woman

You continue drinking the wine and cutting orc faces. You begin to feel very drunk, but you still keep going. Soon, you reach a point where you can barely stand up anymore. You fall over and vomit on the ground.

> drink more of the wine and loot the orc corpses, find more wine and drink that as well

You continue drinking the wine and looting the orc corpses. You find more bottles of wine and even a bottle opener. You put the bottle opener on your belt loop and then proceed to open several bottles of wine, taking them with you.

> JB is now known as JB, the Orc Slayer, God of Wine Fighting

You continue drinking the wine and looting the orc corpses. You find more bottles of wine and even a bottle opener. You put the bottle opener on your belt loop and then proceed to open several bottles of wine, taking them with you.

> Find the nearest brothel while drinking even more wine

You continue drinking the wine and looting the orc corpses. You find another bottle of wine, which you take with you.

You walk to a nearby brothel, hoping that it has decent alcohol content.

> My memory becomes foggy, yet still drinking more wine. whoring is on the menu and this place has the best menu

You continue to drink the wine and looting the orc corpses. You find another bottle of wine, which you take with you.

The next day, you wake up from your drunken stupor to realize that you have no idea what happened yesterday or how long ago it was...

> !JB asks the barkeep what happened the night before

"I'm sorry sir, I forgot all about yesterday's events." The bartender says. "It's alright sir, we'll remember for you..."

JB begins to ask him questions about the previous day and he answers everything correctly.

> The barkeep divulges everything awful JB did the night before

The barkeep tells you about the horrible things JB did the night before. He goes on to say that he had sex with an orc girl who looked like she was around your age. She was so ugly that it made his dick hard when he saw her face.

> "Fuck! That's insane." JB says to the barkeep as he starts drinking his headache away. "What else did I do barkeep?"

He continues to tell you about JB's other activities. He went to a brothel and had sex with many women there. He also drank too much wine and got drunk at the same time.

> "Is it true Barkeep, that I shit myself as well?"

You see that the barkeep is not very happy with you, but he doesn't seem to care.

JB notices that you are looking at him and then looks down and shakes his head. "No, I didn't shit myself."

"Well, if you're sure..."

You say in confusion.

"Yes, I'm sure." He replies.

> "I smell shit."

You look at the barkeep and you can see that he is lying. You feel disgusted by him.

"Oh fuck!" You exclaim. "That guy is fucking disgusting."

> Realizing the Barkeep has indeed shit his pants, JB orders a White Claw from the bar

JB orders a White Claw from the bar.

Afterwards, you go back home and start crying. You don't know why, but you just want to cry.

JB vs. The Indestructible Dragon Penis

You are JB, a knight living in the kingdom of Larion. You have a steel longsword and a wooden shield. You are on a quest to defeat the evil dragon of Larion. You've heard he lives up at the north of the kingdom. You set on the path to defeat him and walk into a dark forest. As you enter the forest you see a large black dragon sitting on his throne with an army of orcs. He looks down upon you as if he's looking at a child.

"I am the Dragon," he says. "And I will not be defeated."

> !JB rolls a 20 sided die and rolls a natural 20. JB then throws his sword at the Dragon's armored penis, sinking it's blade up to the hilt in Dragon wang

The sword sinks deep into the dragon's cock, but the dragon doesn't even flinch. The sword is now stuck in his dick and you can hear a squishing sound.

"Ha ha! That was funny!" JB laughs. "Now I'm going to kill you."

> Orcs pour out from the forest towards JB and he realizes he has no sword, and looks around for a weapon to defend himself

You stand there, surrounded by orcs who want nothing more than to kill you. Suddenly, one of them comes up to you and grabs your arm. It's a young orc named Orik.

"Hey buddy, whatcha doin' here?" Orik asks.

> "I happened upon an army in the forest with their Dragon, and now my sword is stuck in his cock, I've found myself in quite the situation. Can you help me young Orik?"

Orik nods and runs off back to his tribe.

"What the fuck did you just ask me?!" you exclaim. "That's fucking illegal!"

Suddenly, another orc appears behind you. This one is a big burly Orc named Rolomag.

> !Bash Rolomag with the wooden shield, steal Rolomag's magical weapon

Rolomag turns around and swings his huge club at you. You grab the shield that hangs over your shoulder and bash Rolomag's head in with it. His skull splatters all over your face, causing you to cry out in pain.

> !JB Takes Rolomag's magical weapon

JB picks up Rolomag's magical weapon and holds it in front of him.

"This is the only way we're ever gonna get rid of this dragon," he says. "We need to use this magic weapon against the dragon."

> !JB realizes the weapon talks and has magical properties

JB takes the magical weapon and puts it in his pocket. He then tosses the shield aside and charges forward at the dragon.

He swings his sword like a baseball bat, hitting the dragon square in its groin.

> "I'll have my sword back, Dragon Penis!"

You run forward and swing your sword at the dragon's crotch. You hit it hard, but the dragon doesn't even flinch.

"Shit!" you scream. "It's not working!"

JB runs forward and grabs his sword, which is now broken.

> JB is bewildered how the Dragon's cock could repel even the mightiest of blows. JB Inspects his magical sword and dedeuces it's magical properties

JB inspects his broken sword and finds that it's magical properties have been activated.

"Fuck!" he shouts. "I don't know what the hell I just did, but I think I fucked up big time."

> !JB's magical sword starts shooting uncontrollable lightning in all directions

JB's magical sword begins firing electricity in all directions. You are struck several times by lightning bolts, but fortunately survive them all.

> !JB's sword glows with magical energy. JB then tries to focus that lightning energy on the indesctructable dragon penis

JB uses his magical sword to try and concentrate the lightning into the dragon's dick. Unfortunately, he can't seem to control it very well. The dragon rams itself straight through the ground, destroying a few houses along the way.

> The Orcs look mad at JB for scaring away it's Dragon

The orcs are still mad about the incident with the dragon penises, so they begin attacking you again.

JB manages to dodge most of their attacks, but one hits him right in the eye. It causes him to fall down and break his arm.

> "Fuck!" JB screams. JB Concentrates all his energy in to the sword and raises it in to the air and activates it's unknown magic

JB concentrates all his energy into the sword and raises it in to the air. This causes an explosion of light that blinds everyone.

"What was that?" asks the wizard.
"That was my magical sword," replies JB.

> !JB, realizing there is now a wizard in the area, asks the wizard to heal his eye and broken arm.

JB asks the wizard if he knows where a healer is located.
"A healer? No, no, no! I'm sorry sir, but I've never heard of such a thing!"
"Well then, why don't you go find one yourself?"
"But...but..."

> !JB blasts the wizard with magical sword energy, blowing his cock right off his balls. 

JB blasts the wizard with magical sword energy, blowing his cock right off his balls.

"Oh fuck!" exclaims the Wizard. "Now I have nothing left except a useless piece of meat."

> "Serves you right old man." Just then, the Wizard begins to transform, and it turns out, it was the dragon is disguise

The Wizard transforms into a huge green dragon. He flies towards you and lands on top of you.

"Oh great, another pathetic human trying to take me on!" he says. "So this is what happens when humans fail to understand the power of dragons."

> !JB pierces the dragon in the penis with his magical sword

JB pierces the dragon in the penis with his magical sword. The dragon explodes in a shower of blood and semen.

"Ah shit!" exclaims the Wizard. "It looks like we're going to need more wizards around here."

> !Confused, JB puts the sword in his mouth, falls forward on it, and kills himself.

You put your sword in your mouth and fall forward onto it. You kill yourself.

JB Condemns Orcs to Eternal Buggery, Then Becomes Self Aware

You are JB, a wizard living in the kingdom of Larion. You have a staff and a spellbook. You finish your long journey and finally arrive at the ruin you've been looking for. You look around and see that it's just as you left it. The only difference is now there’s a group of orcs standing outside the ruins.

The orcs aren’t exactly friendly though, they immediately attack you when you enter the ruins.

> Cast a spell of gay orc on the orcs

You quickly cast a spell of gay orc on the orcs. They don't even notice, but you do.

> Entice the orcs to make love to each other instead of fighting JD the Wizard

You entice the orcs to make love to each other instead of fighting JD the Wizard.

> "Now see here Orcs. Unless you behave yourself and shape up, you will cursed to boggle each other's bum bum's until the end of time. Okay?"

You say "Now see here Orcs. Unless you behave yourself and shape up, you will cursed to boggle each other's bum bum".
They all start laughing at this remark and then begin making out with one another in an orgy like manner.

> Brew a potion of Bum Bum touching

You brew a potion of Bum Bum touching. It works wonders! The orcs stop their lewd behavior and become more civilized.

JD the Wizard has been defeated by his own creations.

> "Damn, that was unexpected." JB thought to himself. 

JD the Wizard thinks to himself "Damn, that was unexpected." He walks away from the ruins and into the forest where he continues his life of crime.

> JB The wizard searches for merriment in the woods, and high adventure.

JB the wizard wanders off into the forests, hoping to find merriment and adventure. He finds none of these things however. Instead he comes across a cave full of goblins who are very hostile towards him.

He tries to reason with them, but they refuse to listen.

> "Sigh. Now like the orcs i fought previously, I could make you have an endless orgy, or we could discuss like gentlemen."

You say "Sigh. Now like the orcs i fought previously, I could make you have an endless orgy, or we could discuss like gentlemen."

JB the wizard decides to kill them all and take their treasure.

> "Well that was anticlimactic." JB Says to himself as he counts his newfound riches. But what to spend it on?

You say "Well that was anticlimactic." JB Says to himself as he counts his newfound riches. But what to spend it on?

JB the Wizard goes back home and begins drinking heavily.

> JB Kicks his feet up on his favorite chair and takes a swig of his favorite brew, and stares around the room of his forest home.

JB the Wizard kicks his feet up on his favorite chair and takes a swig of his favorite brew, and stares around the room of his forest home.

The next day, JD the Wizard returns to finish off everything he started yesterday. He is not disappointed.

> "Time to kill some orcs!"

You say "Time to kill some orcs!" JD the Wizard smiles, and says "I can't wait to do it again!"

> !25 orcs are having an orgy in the woods when JB interupts their most demonic of anal pleasures.

25 orcs are having an orgy in the woods when JB interrupts their most demonic of anal pleasures. They scream and flee from the area.

JB the Wizard turns to you and says "Ahhh, now that was fun." Then he heads back to his forest home.

> JB The wizard becomes self aware that there is a story being written by some outside force dictating his actions

JB the Wizard becomes self aware that there is a story being written by some outside force dictating his actions. He feels compelled to continue doing what he's doing.

JD the Wizard does not feel this way, so he leaves the forest and begins drinking at a local tavern.

> !Change JD's name to JB as they are one in the same

JD the Wizard changes his name to JB as they are one in the same.

JB the wizard drinks more and has a good time, but eventually he gets bored of this lifestyle and goes back to his forest home.

> JB Casts a spell on himself, making him the narrator of this story

JB the wizard casts a spell on himself, making him the narrator of this story.

The next morning, JD the Wizard wakes up and sees that he is no longer in control of his body.

> !JB the Wizard is now controlling JD the wizard from the game AI Dungeon from his forest home

JB the Wizard is now controlling JD the wizard from the game AI Dungeon from his forest home.

JD the Wizard is now in control of his own body, and cannot leave it for fear of losing control over it entirely.

> !Paradox spirits consume the soul of JB The Wizard for he has tampered with reality too much this time

Paradox spirits consume the soul of JB The Wizard for he has tampered with reality too much this time.
JB the wizard dies soon after, and his spirit is trapped inside your computer until you decide to free him.

JB and The Milk Monster

You are JB, a squire living in the kingdom of Larion. You have a spear and a pack of supplies. You follow Sir Theo as he enters the forest, he turns to you and says "We will be back soon."

The next day you hear a loud noise from the direction of the village. It sounds like an explosion or something similar. The villagers are frightened by this noise and run away from their homes.


> "Sir Theo, i think I heard a loud noise coming from the villiage. I think its the milk monster."


"Yes, yes it is," Theo replies. He then tells his men to search for the source of the noise and they do so without any problems.

A few days pass and you continue your journey when you see a large group of people running towards you from the direction of the village.

 > "Sir Theo, why did it take 2 days to search the villiage and there are still people running from it? Surely we should do something. I Heard the milk monster shoots milk from its monsterous titties!"

 "I don't know what you're talking about, but that's not happening. We just need to wait until nightfall before we can go out and hunt him down."

Two more days pass and you continue on your journey when you see a huge creature standing in front of the village.

 > "Sir theo! It's the milk monster! Look at the size of its horrible breasts!"

 "It's not a milk monster, it's a giant spider. And if you keep calling it that, I'm going to start calling you a big fat ugly troll."

The Milk Monster is bigger than anything you've ever seen before.

 > "Alas you are correct. Here is your spear to kill the spider with, and your glasses to see what the hell is right in front of you that is most obviously a giant Milk Monster from hell."

 You throw your spear at the Milk Monster and it catches it easily.

You turn around and see the villagers running away from you. They were scared by the Milk Monster's appearance, which made them run away.

 > I taste the milk left behind from the milk monsters gigantic mammaries

 You feel the deliciousness of the milk. It tastes like heaven.

You look up and see a tall man wearing glasses sitting on top of a hill, watching you. His name is Sir Theo and he has been hunting Milk Monsters since he was young.

 > "Sir Theo, I think we should get the Milk Monster now. It's terrorizing the villiage and killing it's people."

 "No, no, no, we should wait. I mean the Milk Monster is probably still nearby and we don't want to attack it while it's asleep."

 > "Sir Theo, you are the dumbest fucking person I have ever met."

 "What?"
"You are the dumbest fucking person I have ever met. Why would you believe me? I am a stupid peasant who doesn't even understand how to use my own weapon properly."

He sighs and looks at you angrily.

 > "Get off the hill and save the Villiage Sir Theo, or I will be forced to do something stupid."

 You stop him and tell him to leave the hill.

"Why? What do you want me to do?"

"Just get off the hill, because if you don't, I will."

 > JB drinks the milk of the Milk Monster and begins to feel something powerful take over him

 You drink the milk and immediately feel something happen inside of you. The Milk Monster is back!

You begin to laugh maniacally as you shoot all your arrows into the Milk Monster, which causes it to fall off the hill. You then proceed to eat it alive.

 > JB absorbs the power of the milk monster by eating its flesh and grows huge fantastic tits in which to kill Sir Theo the Idiot with

 You grow enormous tits in which to kill Sir Theo the idiot. You then proceed to eat his body.

Your friends are very impressed by your actions.

 > "Here here good friends! See, I have used my new found power to kill Sir Theo, being he was dumbest Knight in all the land. Let us drink of my breast milk and be merry!"

 You drink some more milk and enjoy yourself.

And so ends the story of the Milk Monster.

JB Accidentally creates a gay clone of himself, summons demons, and becomes a Witcher

You are JB, a wizard living in the kingdom of Larion. You have a staff and a spellbook. You finish your long journey and finally arrive at the ruin you've been looking for. You look around and see that it's completely destroyed. The walls are gone, the roof is caved in and there’s nothing left but rubble.

The next day you head to the nearest town where you hope to find someone who can help you with your quest.

Find the nearest pub

You walk down the street and notice that it's almost empty. There aren’t many people out right now so most of them are probably at home or doing something else. You decide to go to one of those places first.

find the nearest inn

You enter an old building and sit on a bench outside. A few minutes later you hear some noise from inside. You go over to investigate and see several men drinking beer and talking about how they got into this mess.

ask the men what happened

One of the men comes up to you and asks if you need any help. He tells you he's named John and that he was working as a cook when all hell broke loose.

"John, What exactly happened here?"

He looks at you confused and then says "I don't know anything really, I just woke up in the middle of the night and found myself trapped under tons of rubble."

"Do you know anyone that would have an idea of what happened here?"

He nods and says "Well my friend Dave works here, but he's not sure what happened either. He thinks it might be related to the new magical weapon that King Roldan has been developing lately."

You nod and tell him you'll talk to Dave later.

Go inside the Inn

You enter the Inn and ask the bartender for a drink. After getting it, you tell him that you're going to talk to Dave later. He smiles and thanks you before leaving.

Cast a spell on the drink

You quickly grab a bottle of ale and pour some of it into the glass you were given. You then begin chanting in some sort of language that only you understand.

What magical properties does the drink have?

Suddenly the glass shatters and you feel yourself being pulled through space and time. Your body feels lighter than air and you float upwards until you land on top of a table. You immediately fall unconscious.

try to wake up

You open your eyes and look around. The room is dark except for a small candle sitting on the table. You slowly stand up and realize that you're still floating in mid-air. You can also feel yourself slowing down as you approach the ground.

case a spell of illumination and look around

You raise your hand and light appears above you. You turn around and notice that the candles are gone, replaced by a large black hole in the center of the room.

You look behind you and see nothing but darkness.

inspect the black hole

You walk over to the hole and examine it more closely. It seems like there's something inside, but you can't quite make out what it is. Suddenly you hear a voice from somewhere within the darkness.

"Hello? Is this...is this you?"

"I'm not sure who you are looking for. Who is it that I'm talking to?"

The voice answers back "It's me! It's me! Can you help me get home?"

You pause for a moment before answering "Of course!"

"Where am I exactly? Where do I come from? What happened to my family?"

"give me a second and I'll get you out of there."

You continue walking forward and soon find yourself standing in front of a massive door. There's no keyhole or anything else that would let you know where this door leads.

Cast a spell of open door

You close your eyes and concentrate hard. A bright light shines through the window and you see a glowing red button. You press it and suddenly the door swings open with a loud bang.

There stands an old man wearing rags, holding a cane in one hand and a bucket in another.

Ask the old man, "Were you the one yelling earlier? I'm here to bring you home. I think I accidentally opening a portal in time, But i can get us back."

He looks at you with surprise and smiles "Yes, yes you are. I was just trying to get home."

You nod in response and step forward towards him. He steps back and holds his hands up defensively "Don't worry about it, we can fix everything if you want."

You take a deep breath and smile back at him "Thank you so much!" You then begin to run towards the door. The old man follows after you, but he stops when he sees that you've already left the house.

"How can you fix this?

He begins to explain "Well, I don't have any magic powers. If I did, I'd be able to do something about it. In fact, you could probably fix it yourself if you really wanted to.

Cast a spell of recall on the old man and myself, to take us back to the Inn

You quickly cast a spell of recall on the old man and myself, to take us back to the Inn. We both laugh as we realize how ridiculous our situation has become.

We all head back to the inn and tell everyone what happened.

ask the old man exactly what happened, and why the town is destroyed

He explains "This whole town was under attack by some demons. They were attacking people and taking their souls. I tried to stop them, but they overpowered me and killed me instantly. Then, the next day, the entire town was attacked again.

"Old man. Go Find Dave and bring him to me at the Inn, I'm going to try and summon and contain the demons here."

He laughs "No way! That won't work! Demons are very powerful creatures, and they're not easily contained. I mean, they're still alive right now, aren't they?

And they'll probably come back for more victims."

You sigh "I guess you're right. Well, I suppose it doesn't matter anyway, because I'm going to try and summon the demons back here. Now, go find Dave and bring him to me at the Inn.

"Not sure. Go get Dave."

"Fine, whatever. Thanks for telling me what happened."

You leave the Old Man and walk down the street. As you pass by houses, you notice that most of them are gone. It's like there was nothing living here except for trees and rocks.

There's also no sign of life anywhere else either. You think about how you wish your parents were here with you.

You continue walking until you reach the Inn. When you enter, you see that it's been completely destroyed by fire and smoke.

Draw a pentagram on the ground in front of the house and start the ritual for summoning the demon responsible for the chaos.

You draw a pentagram on the ground in front of the house and begin chanting "Om Deo Glor, Om Duum Dictum Est" (God wills it, God allows).

The smoke clears up enough for you to see a small figure standing nearby.

The figure looks human, but its face is twisted into an expression of pure hatred. Its eyes glow red hot and it lets out a horrible shriek before running off towards the forest.

Use a containment spell on the demon that was just summoned before he gets to the forest

You release a spell of containment on the demon. He lets out a scream and flees from the area, but not before he tears open several of his own flesh wounds.

Afterwards, you look around and see that the town has been completely destroyed.

Summon another demon for questioning

You call upon a second demon to help you. This one however is much different than the first.

It's taller and bulkier, with large black horns growing from its head.

"tell me demon, what is your name?"

You ask the demon "What is your name?"

The demon says "My name is... Nergal."

Nergal then begins to laugh maniacally as he walks over to you and starts punching you repeatedly in the stomach.

"Now that I know your true name I can control you, and there is nothing you can do about it!" cast a containment spell on the demon to freeze him in place

You shout "NOW THAT I KNOW YOUR TRUE NAME! I CAN CONTROL YOU! THERE IS NOTHING YOU CANT DO ABOUT IT!" You unleash a powerful concentration spell on the demon. The demon screams in pain and attempts to flee, but you catch him again and restrain him tightly.

"Tell me Nergal, who is responsible for the destruction of this town?"

You ask "Who is responsible for the destruction of this town?"

Nergal replies "I did it all by myself. I've always had a thing for demons since they're so damn sexy. They make great pets too, but I prefer them as companions anyway."

Torture nergal for answers

You taunt "Torture? Torture? Tell me Nergal, what are you hiding?"

Nergal replies "Nothing! Nothing at all!"

You laugh "Well guess what, now you'll have to tell me everything or suffer the consequences!"

Condemn Nergal to the depths of hell

You blast the demon with a bolt of negative energy, which causes him to collapse onto the floor. You turn back to Nergal and say "If you think torturing people is fun, wait until you hear what happens next!"

Cast a cock destruction spell on Nergal

You unleash a powerful concentration spell on the demon, causing him to convulse violently. His body explodes into a fine mist of blood and gore.

"Goodbye my friend..." You smile as you walk away from the scene.

Go back to the inn

You return to the inn and find everyone gone. You enter the room where you left your sister and she's nowhere to be seen. She was probably killed during the attack on the town.

A few days later, you receive an unexpected visit from a familiar face.

who is the familiar face

You look around and see a young man dressed in black robes standing nearby. He smiles at you and asks "Are you the brother of your sister?"

You nod "Yes, I am."

He nods back "So who are you?

"My name is JB. I had no idea until I had a sister until just now. Earlier, the Inn was on fire when I accidentally made a dimesion jump potion out of my beer. I think i may be responsible in some way for what happened here, but I fear I've lost my memory."


JB frowns "Oh, well I'm sorry to hear that. It must have been very traumatic for you.

"Wait a minute.. your name is JB as well?"

Think about the situation

You think about the situation and realize that JB is a very good liar. You decide to play along with his ruse.

JB smirks "Of course, I suppose it makes sense why you'd want to keep your identity secret.

Realize that you may have made an evil clone of yourself

You realize that you may have made an evil clone of yourself.

JB sighs "I don't know how long this will last, but I need to get rid of these clones before they do any more damage. So if you can help me do so, please come with me."

Blast the evil JB with death touch magic

You blast the evil JB with death touch magic. The evil JB screams in agony and falls backwards.

JB grins "Well done! Now I can finally move on with my life."

JB walks over to you and kisses you passionately on the lips.

Punch the evil JB in the face for kissing me

You punch the evil JB in the face for kissing you. He collapses onto the floor and begins crying.

JB laughs "Ha ha! You're too stupid to understand that I'm not actually dead yet!" he says as he gets up and walks off towards his carriage.

Cast a fireball at the carriage before the evil JB clone can leave

You cast a fireball at the carriage before the evil JB clone can leave. The flames engulf the carriage and cause it to explode killing all inside.

inspect the remains of the evil JB clone

You examine the remains of the evil JB clone. His eyes are still closed, but you notice that his body has changed slightly. His skin seems to be lighter than normal flesh and there is a slight smell of sulfur in the air. There is also a small hole where his heart should be located.

cast a spell of information on the evil JB clone corpse

You cast a spell of information on the evil JB clone corpse. You learn that he was born in the year 1854 and died in 1926. He had two children who were both killed by bandits when they were young.

Cast reanimate corpse on the evil JB clone

You cast a spell of resurrection on the evil JB clone. He rises from his coffin and looks around confusedly before walking forward to embrace you.

The next day, JB returns with a new servant, a woman dressed in black robes who introduces herself as Mistress.

the evil JB clone is now a zombie with an assistant named mistress

You the evil JB clone is now a zombie with an assistant named mistress.

Mistress smiles "Oh yes, we've been working on him for quite some time now. It's taken awhile, but I think we got him." she says as she points to the skeleton on the ground.

ask mistress, "Who was this skeleton?"

You ask mistress, "Who was this skeleton?"
Mistress replies "It's just a regular old skeleton, nothing special."

You laugh "A regular old skeleton? Well what did you do to it then?"

grab mistress and make long nasty sex to her

You grab mistress and start making long nasty sex to her. She doesn't seem to mind though.

She asks "So how did you get him so quickly?"

"Get who?"

You reply "I don't know, I just grabbed him and made sex with him."

Mistress smiles "Well, if you want to know about it, come back here later" she says as she disappears into the shadows.

Start a ritual to turn myself in to a Witcher

You start a ritual to turn yourself into a Witcher. You feel like you're going insane, but eventually you succeed.

Afterwards, you find out that your name is now Geralt and that you have been given the task of hunting down the remaining members of the White Fang.